Rules for Dating a Single Mum

Single mothers are special creatures. As cliché as it is, they take on motherhood and fatherhood and many times without batting an eyelid. There’s rarely any break in a single mother’s life because she is working to put food on the table and school fees in the account (assuming she’s a sensible woman) and when she isn’t doing that she is cooking said food or helping out with homework.

A single mother is a tough woman mindless of the generation she falls in because she faces pretty much the same evils. She will have to contend with snide comments from those she does and doesn’t know (and of late, from people who have such a skewed opinion and so much bile towards single mothers. Somebody give those guys a hug please), she will have to put in double the work, she can easily forget who she is as an individual and focus on being Mama so-and-so (because she lives for her child and probably wants to prove to all the naysayers that she can make something great of herself) and she will definitely lose friends along the way. She won’t lose friends because she wants to or doesn’t like them anymore but because it becomes a little difficult to be the friend she used to be when she wasn’t a sole parent or at least sole caretaker.

Time flies and that innate need for companionship comes knocking and you are certain you are ready for a relationship. Let’s not even get to the marriage part yet. Just a relationship. Now, many men flee when they find out she is a single mum. For those who decide to take a chance and date a single mum, there are a few things you should know. Consider this a ‘mwakenya’ (why was it called this seriously? Kwani Kenyans are this much into shortcuts?) because I’m a paid-up member of the single mums club! 

Don't judge

You don't know how she became a single mum. Being judgmental won't get you anywhere with her so don't do it. And don't assume she comes with baby daddy drama because some ended it completely and some baby daddies died.

Be confident

This woman has been through a lot and has probably fought her way to where she is. She is confident in herself and her abilities. You need confidence to talk to her, have a conversation with her and even walk around with her. A confident man gets her attention, is sexy and won't be cowed by who she is.   

Show focus

She has many things planned out and the last thing on her mind is partying (although sometimes she wants to so bad). Show her that you know what you want and where you’re going even if you haven’t figured out the how yet. On her list is school fees, school trips, education policy, other investments, career growth and maybe even a business. What’s on yours?

Maintain focus

Getting derailed from your dreams along the way or giving up on them gives her the idea that you don’t stick through the tough times. Who wants a man who’ll throw in the towel when things aren’t going their way? She needs someone who will make plans and see them through to the end, bitter or sweet.

  

Remember that her baby comes first

This is a tricky one for many because they feel sidelined. What most men don’t realize is that the child comes even before her. It’s been the two of them for a while so you will have to forgive them for getting used to life on their own.

Give it time and earn their trust. Let them let you in as opposed to forcing your way in. You’ll have a much bigger space when she slowly makes adjustments and learns to accommodate both of you instead of you whining about how she doesn’t give you enough time.

When she does allow you into her child’s life, get to know the child. You’re making good progress there so spend time with them. Be their friend. Getting along with her child propels you to another level. 

 

Be honest

Honesty is the best policy. Don’t cook up stories about why you can’t meet up, don’t lie to her about your whereabouts, and don’t lie to her about who you are. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not and let her know when she’s acting a little too much like your mum and not your girlfriend. The world is already full of liars.

Don’t be stingy

I don’t mean pay her rent and electricity bills or her kid’s school fees or buy diapers (but if you feel led to do so, give it your best). I mean don’t be stingy. If you invite her on a date, pay for it. If you want her to go somewhere with you, pay her fare. If you are out having a meal, a tip to the waiter wouldn’t hurt. Your comments about money and spending are being heard and dissected.

Show some respect

A good number of men have a tendency to be disrespectful to single mothers. It baffles me because this same woman has proven to be as responsible as the next person, maybe even more than those criticizing her!

Respect is earned and hasn’t she earned it from you by now?

Get her pants off your mind

It may be human nature but if you want to get anywhere with her don’t reach for her pants within a short time of knowing her. She’s a single mum so someone probably tried that already. This is the fastest way to get rid of her.

Make her laugh

She has tons of things on her mind that she probably won’t tell you about. At least not yet anyway. Understand what makes her tick and make her laugh. Give her those serious belly laughs that might even get her to shed tears or snort. Trust me, she needs it. 

Love her for her

She’s got flaws and has made mistakes that come to haunt her once in a while. Look at what these things have turned her into and love her all the same. As strong as she is, she needs reassurance that she made the right choice being a single mum and that she’s doing a good job of it. That with all the turmoil she’s been through, she’s still loveable.

This is by no means an exhaustive list because women are different but these will stand you in good stead with her. Dating a single mum isn’t for the faint-hearted. All the best fellas!