Love Doesn’t Keep a Record of Wrongs

Human is to error and every time someone does something wrong they will probably say, ‘I’m only human’. This happens a lot in everyday life but with people you live with it happens ten times more often because you spend a lot of time with them.

My boy is a pre-schooler right now and has been an active child all his life. When he discovered his feet could walk he has never quite stopped. It started with pulling down dish racks and table cloths that had glassware on them, plugging in the immersion heater and switching it on while it was lying on a wooden table instead of inside a container with some water, drowning my phone in his bath water while I was sorting out his outfit for the day and when he started reasoning he told me he would like me to cook for him instead of getting takeout (In my defence, I was extremely tired that day and it was late).

Of candid talks

It has been five years of all that and more and I’m sure I’ve done my share of wrongs. He once didn’t want to say much to me because he said I ‘talked to him badly’.  I’d reprimanded him for something but he wasn’t very pleased about the way I told him off. So I had to learn how to offer correction in a nicer and more effective way.

It has born fruits because right now we talk about everything and he tells me what’s on his mind. When he does something wrong I offer my unsolicited advice and correction and he gladly returns the favour every so often. We, however, don’t bring it up again once it has been dealt with. We offer our apologies and it ends there.

This has brought quite a lot of harmony in our home because we live in the present and not the past. We try to be great company to each other and when I feel I may snap I try to keep away or at least keep my cool. He’ll probably ask me why I look sad and I’ll probably tell him ‘it’s nothing I’ll be fine’ and a short while later I sure will be fine.

Motherhood brings with it a certain kind of grace that allows you to deal with and overlook all the minor mishaps and wrongs and leads you to focus on the greater good. This is so refreshing especially in a world where there is so much chaos, hatred and violence. Everyone isfighting to be heard, seen, loved and appreciated but others don’t quite get to catch a break.

What do you do with your emotions?

Look at how you handle your children, your spouse and even your colleagues. Are you always pointing out what they did wrong? Do you remind them of the coffee stain they left on your desk or your white shirt? How do they react to you afterwards? How is your relationship? What do they really think of you? Is it respect, fear or indifference that you get from them? Is it really worth it? Think about it and act accordingly.

Don’t think about what they’ve done to you because that’s water under the bridge now. The past is gone and will never come back. Even if it will be replayed there will probably be a small twist somewhere and you will be wiser, no? Two wrongs never made a right (apart from in Math and language where two negatives make a positive) so take responsibility for your side of the coin because you can’t blame someone else for your actions or reactions yet you carried them out yourself and of your own accord. Be the bigger person and take the high road.

Love is not rude

You know I am human and as much as I am born-again and Christ lives in me, I have moments when I don’t really feel like being nice. It may be out of anger, malice (very rarely) or just for the sake of it but it happens and I know I’m not alone so don’t get all judgemental on me.

You find nasty words coming out even when the other person hasn’t really taken that route themselves. Your lips are itching to dish out some more but the opportunity doesn’t present itself as often as you’d like it to. Someone finally crosses your path and you only give one statement and they wonder what side of the bed you woke up on. Now imagine if the other person takes on you as well. What chaos that would be!

Verbal accidents

Many are the times I’ve let something slip from my mouth and later on regretted saying it the way I did. It gets especially worse when my hormones start doing a funny dance and I find myself craving fries and chocolate at the same time. Not-so-nice words just find their way into my vocabulary and it gets real messy.

My son once told me that I was ‘talking to him badly’ and that’s why he wouldn’t say anything else to me. He was convinced that I didn’t love him. On one side my pride was hurt because I am the adult after all and here I was being chastised by a 4 year-old but on the other side I had a proud mommy moment because it was proof that I had done a good job of raising him! That calmed me down a bit and got me back to my senses. I looked at all the words I had used and the tone and he was right.

Losses

Rudeness doesn’t convey love at all. It doesn’t matter whether you are going through an ‘emotional phase’ or your house just burnt down. Whatever is going on in your life may indeed affect your outlook and behaviour but it shouldn’t control it. Rudeness goes ahead and flattens all resistance you may face but the result afterwards is great loss.

You will lose respect, love, friendships, relationships and even clients because of rudeness. It doesn’t take much time either. Just two seconds and it’s out of your mouth and you’ve lost that person. I had to take time to build my son’s trust again so that he would be comfortable talking to me without expecting me to lash out at him or say something rude.

Energy well spent

Practicing it on other people has helped me a lot and it’s now easier to approach people for something. Some even offer themselves and their services/assistance without me having to ask because there’s no negative vibe coming from me.

I make a conscious effort to keep my tongue in check at all times. A nasty word comes into my head and I quickly replace it with something nicer before it leaves my mouth or I simply don’t say a thing. Just smile courteously or give little indication that nasty is a possibility with me. The moment eventually passes and life goes on. It does take a lot of energy and effort though! But His grace is sufficient!

Love Doesn’t Boast

Life isn’t so straightforward (I prefer that to saying it’s hard) and you will experience a good amount of challenges on your journey. Sometimes it gets so bad that you just want it to end no matter the consequences.

This is why when the reverse happens and things go well you can’t help but give your biggest smile. Sometimes laughter comes involuntarily. At this point you realize that you can’t keep it to yourself any more and you have to tell someone. This is where the difference comes in.

You go to someone and start telling them how that promotion you’ve always wanted has finally come through and you don’t think theirs will come through because they aren’t as qualified as you. Your big car has finally arrived and you tell your friend they need to upgrade to a higher standard like yours. You’re just stating facts so what’s the big deal, right?

Well, if you’re aiming to get everyone not to like you then there’s no problem. It’s the perfect approach. If, on the other hand, you just want to share the good news so that you can celebrate with someone then you need to choose your words wisely.

It shouldn’t be about putting the other person down but getting them to be happy for you and genuinely celebrate with you.Making others feel inferior to you or your accomplishments defeats the purpose. It also reveals some not-so-nice things about you. Your confidence and feeling of self-worth may actually be pegged on those achievements or possessions and having anyone say anything negative about them or not saying anything at all would ruin your confidence so you subconsciously tell whoever cares to listen so as to get more people talking about it while at the same time shooting down any objection one may have by reminding them of their ‘shortcomings’ compared to you. It is wrong on so many levels and is quite counterproductive.

I’ve had quite a number of achievements of my own and I know more are coming (somebody shout Amen!) but rubbing it into someone’s face isn’t the way to celebrate them. My son loves computer games and he’s quite good at cracking them. He’s had to teach me most of them so that we can play together. If I do win a round I can’t tell him how bad he is at it so he should quit. I rarely even talk about the winning but encourage him to play better every day.

I don’t call my sisters or friends to boast about something I’ve done. I let them in on the news and somehow they notice that it’s celebration and not bragging. They do the same with their own news as well and we celebrate each other without putting the other down. How you put the message across matters a lot andmakes all the difference.

If you truly love someone you want them to be happy for you when something good happens to you but you should also remember that the (said or unsaid) message behind your news will affect their response toward you. Making them feel bad about themselves doesn’t cut it with love. Choose your words wisely and you will definitely get a genuine good response and you get to keep your friends in the process.