This is what envy is described as in the dictionary:
discontented or resentful longing aroused by another’s possessions, qualities,
luck. Where to begin! The qualities maybe? Okay, so, it took me a very long
time to see my abilities and strengths. I would do all these things but never
saw that it was something special, something to write home about. Talk about
low self-esteem eroding my self-appreciation and to a great extent self-love
and self-belief.
I’ve always been great at Math and I never struggled, even
in high school. That’s the one subject whose homework was first on my priority
list because it came easy for me. I therefore wasn’t shocked by my grade in the
final exam but it didn’t quite occur to me that it was a feat! Everyone else was however calling and texting going like, "Your Math grade, girl!"
The other thing I’m great at is singing. I’m not tooting my
own horn but I love it when I sing! It’s grown and improved over time but it
was always there. It actually runs in the family! I remember two of my sisters
asking me to tell them how exactly a song went when we were younger and more than one time at that. Once as a
16-year old we were at a cousin’s wedding and I was seated amongst other
cousins my age. A really great song was playing in the background and everyone
started singing. I was a bit shy then so I was just smiling at them but when
the music was too much to ignore I sang a bit of it and my cousins all turned
and looked at me like ‘you sang that?’
Needless to say my confidence has increased a
thousand-fold since then and I now believe in myself and my abilities. My son
has inherited so much of all this! He keeps time (music-wise), loves guitar and
drums, learns songs VERY FAST, is very attentive to detail, can operate a
gadget he’s never used in a very short time and on his own, has a great sense
of humour, is very social, loves to dance - breakdance, loves cooking and many
more that we are yet to discover. He’s a serious improvement, you know, like
Esther2.0 (or 2.8, hihi!).
I can’t bring myself to think, ‘Why did he get all that
instead of me? I am, after all older’ and other silly annoying thoughts. I term
them as annoying because it annoys me when someone talks like that. It tells me
that this person is not confident in their own abilities, is not comfortable in
their own skin. Silly because if you look inside yourself you will find that
there is so much you have in you that there is really no reason for you to want
what someone else has or to be like someone else.
You are the way you are for a reason. God didn’t create you
by mistake or with mistakes. Genesis 1:27 says ‘so God created man in His own
image’ and verse 31 says ‘God saw all that He had made and it was very good’.
That tells me even my ‘flaws’ make me beautiful, great,
awesome in one way or
another. They make me who I am. They remind me to always go back to Him for
smoothing and ‘sandpapering’ because He knows me best and wants the best for
me, lifting me higher the more I look to Him (from glory to glory).
As a human being, a mother, a friend and an authority over
my son’s life I can’t envy him. I rejoice with him because of all the blessings
that he has in him! I will continue to build and encourage him as much as I
can!
It has impacted on the rest of my life and I find myself
being happy for people, some I don’t even know. I see something and give an
honest compliment be it a bag, dimples, skills, shoes, hair, a smile, teeth, or
beauty. I know what it feels like to be appreciated because it helped me build
my confidence and ended the self-doubt. I purpose to do it on others as well.
Sometimes I don’t and it eats me up so if I point out that you are very wise
and intelligent and your dimples are awesome right after you tell me about the
impact of nanoscience on global warming, just know that I’m not in any way
trying to throw you off.
