Effective Parenting: Start by Showing Up

Many believe that being a parent requires you to always give out money, provide the best education, living conditions, and healthcare and buy lots and lots of gifts for your children. None of this is wrong actually. Children need to eat, have a roof over their heads and stay in good health to be able to go about their daily activities.

There is one important thing that many of us overlook though. This is the gift of presence. This is basically just showing up and being there. You’re probably thinking, ‘but we live in the same house and I come home every day’. Well, that doesn’t count.

Being there means being a part of what is going on in your child’s life. The good, the bad, the ups and downs without being judgemental. For a baby it could mean taking time to play peek-a-boo, holding them, rubbing their belly, crawling on the floor with them and feeding them with your full concentration on them. A toddler will probably appreciate it if you play with them, have a conversation with them or take them for a walk. Your preteen or teenager may want you to attend events they are participating in like sports, recitals, listen to them when they talk about their teen issues and support their various interests.

From experience

My mum is a very hardworking woman. She turns 61 in a few weeks but she is so busy you would think she is still in her 20s. No, seriously, all the development work she is involved in right now, plus farming and the constant travelling makes the rest of us look very lazy.

We are six children and all of us were in different phases of life growing up due to the age difference. Two were in college, two in high school and two in primary school. She stretched herself thin trying to make sure she worked, paid bills and visited everyone wherever they were. Whenever you came back home from a long school term she would make your favourite meal. I remember we always had homemade fries and sausages at least once a month and all of us had huge appetites!

When I was in high school we had visiting days. My mum would come all the way from Coast to Kikuyu town just to visit me. She didn’t always come with bags of shopping but she came when she could. I remember even if she was broke she would bring me my favourite items; the Saturday newspaper and a pack of muffins. I still love muffins to this day and so does she!

I remember this one time she couldn’t come because she was sick and broke. Oh my, that was devastating. Not because I wouldn’t have my muffins but because I wouldn’t see my mum. Her being there made all the difference. She came to see and talk to my teachers, she kept track of my grades, she appreciated my love for the arts even though I was also great in sciences and she remained my friend (and disciplinarian) even when I wasn’t so nice.

It continues

My mum still listens to me and my point of view. She still shows up. She came all the way just in time for me to deliver my son and she was in hospital the whole day as I screamed and cried through my contractions. I remember drawing the curtains because I was mad at her for coming late to hospital! She (not me) was the first person to hold my baby after he was all cleaned up. She came every three months to check on us, she came for my baptism a year or so later, she taught my son and me how to create and stick to a baby’s schedule and she is planning to come for my son’s graduation later this year. She actually keeps asking about it and knowing my mum, she wouldn’t miss it for the world!

The thing about being there is that children know you are on their side without you having to say anything. They know that when you don't show up it has to be something serious because you wouldn't miss it otherwise. They listen to you more because they already know that you have their best interests at heart.   

I might not be doing so well as a parent but I’m trying to give it my all. Between school, work and my other activities, I’m trying to listen to and have conversations with my son more often. I don’t play with him as much as I should though. He’s acting in the school play this year and he asked me to help him rehearse so we’ve been doing that every weekend.

It takes much more energy to be there but as someone once said, the largest room on earth is the room for improvement so I’ll keep at it. Unfortunately, my opinion on how much I’m present doesn’t really count. My son and all the other children I get (a girl can dream, no?) are the only ones who will be able to assess my being there. Fingers crossed!        

Not Leaning on My Own Understanding

As a child you were taught how to get things done. Parents (especially mothers) got excited every time their child learnt to talk, walk and even run. Next came making logic of simple instructions and after that the home was basically left in your care and it was somehow expected to run smoothly as though those that originally carried out this task never left.

I remember as we were growing up my mum was constantly busy. She ran a clearing company so weekdays (and Saturdays) were spent at the office, port or customs offices. We, the younger kids, went to work with her on Saturdays and it was fun for us. She was also a farmer and did some community work (I have no idea when she did this though!). Her hands were full!

When the holidays came we would stay home with my older siblings and as we grew up we started our own contribution to running the home. One would do the dishes; another mop the house and another do the cooking. Thankfully everyone in my family is a good cook (mum made sure!) and my older siblings did more of it.

Using my discretion

It took a while before we started cooking full meals though. I remember doing the rice and my small sister would do the stew, chapatti and she would do the stew (my first chappatis were like the depiction of bread in the Last Supper…or rather, how the Jesus movies depicted it-hard and brittle) and such. I remember asking my mum whether the salt was enough in the food as I cooked and she would say, ‘use your discretion’. She would then give her comments after the meal. This happened very often until I gained confidence in my culinary skills. I still mess up once in a while but I still like my cooking (and so do a couple of other people!)

Gaining confidence in this one area gave me courage to look into other areas of my life and I’ve continued to improve them over the years. It takes a lot of practice but you get there. So now I believe in what I can do and I trust my instincts.

But in life there are those moments when you just don’t know what to do. You don’t know which direction to take and asking another human may not exactly work because everyone has a different opinion about things.

Uncertainty

So I go to God and He tells me, ‘Lean not on your own understanding’. Hmmmm….I’ve grown up sort of leaning on my understanding and knowledge and it’s worked…well to some extent. Then He tells me to just let it all go and look at Him. I know He’s All-Knowing, All-Powerful, Ever Present, Loving, All-Sufficient and all other names we call Him but seriously? Let it all go? Then what?

I love knowing things and knowing about things, looking at everything in detail before I make a decision and letting it all go and looking at Him kind of feels like walking in the dark. It feels like groping at what is ahead with your eyes closed. It’s not a great feeling! It makes me feel rather powerless. We all like to be in control, no?

Yet it feels like I somehow have direction. Even though I may not know what I’ll come up against along this road, I know it’s leading me to a good place. A place I’ll be able to stand and look back and say, ‘You truly were ordering my steps because I never once stumbled even as I walked in the dark’.    

It is not Self-Seeking

Imagine this for a moment. You work hard to make sure that you always have the best of everything. Your life is comfortable, your heart is content and nobody crosses your path because they know not to mess with you. That’s an awesome life, isn’t it? Things always go your way and according to your preference.

Now imagine if someone else always made sure that things work to your advantage. They make sure you eat what is best for you, make sure you are comfortable and nothing (or at least not too much) gets to the point where it drastically affects you. Isn’t that better? Even easier perhaps?

Difficult task

Have you noticed that the more you ‘look out for yourself’ the more difficult it becomes? That you seem to be doing a lot of work but the results at the end are not quite worth the input you gave? Just take a close look at it all and be honest with yourself as to what you find out.

It can be very difficult to trust someone else to make you happy and look out for you, especially if you’ve been disappointed (as many of us have) but that’s one of the aspects of love. You make sure that the other person in the equation is sorted. You take care of their needs first and not yours. If done wholeheartedly and willingly, the outcome is usually favourable to you.

Crazy nights

As a mother (I still haven’t gotten used to saying this even after 6 years!) I have done things that many would consider unusual. I have woken up at odd hours of the night (and many times never even went to bed!) just to make sure that my son was comfortable. Colic in the first few months of his life, some congenital condition he had a few months later, crazy fevers on other nights and on other nights he just wanted to play because he had slept too much in the afternoon.

There are times I have sacrificed my food because there was just enough to feed one. I have forgone buying myself that new pair of shoes (that I badly needed) or getting my hair done just so that I could buy him school books. It was painful at the time but later on it felt great (well, the hunger eventually subsided since I serve a God that always provides). He goes to school and is able to comfortably read as the teacher goes on and I feel great. The teacher commends him for his good work and he comes back to me all smiles saying, ‘mummy you’re the best!’ and that’s enough payback!

Favours returned and more

He makes sure there’s two plates on the table when we’re about to eat. Whenever we buy anything he asks whether I’ve bought enough for both of us. If not, he’ll share. Sometimes he just wants to eat alone but well, don’t we all have such moments? He makes sure my toothbrush has toothpaste when he’s going to brush his teeth and reminds me (even though I may not need it) to brush my teeth every morning.

If anyone jokes about taking his mum away he lets them know that she isn’t going anywhere and neither is he. He is really young but very loyal this boy! I don’t always give him what he wants (or even needs) but the little I do goes a long way and I feel the love.

Now imagine if that was an adult responding to the genuine love, care and selflessness you have shown them. How much more would it be? Humans are wired to respond to such and even the toughest will respond to genuine selflessness. Do it without expecting anything in return but be assured that the returns will indeed be worth it.

Love Doesn’t Keep a Record of Wrongs

Human is to error and every time someone does something wrong they will probably say, ‘I’m only human’. This happens a lot in everyday life but with people you live with it happens ten times more often because you spend a lot of time with them.

My boy is a pre-schooler right now and has been an active child all his life. When he discovered his feet could walk he has never quite stopped. It started with pulling down dish racks and table cloths that had glassware on them, plugging in the immersion heater and switching it on while it was lying on a wooden table instead of inside a container with some water, drowning my phone in his bath water while I was sorting out his outfit for the day and when he started reasoning he told me he would like me to cook for him instead of getting takeout (In my defence, I was extremely tired that day and it was late).

Of candid talks

It has been five years of all that and more and I’m sure I’ve done my share of wrongs. He once didn’t want to say much to me because he said I ‘talked to him badly’.  I’d reprimanded him for something but he wasn’t very pleased about the way I told him off. So I had to learn how to offer correction in a nicer and more effective way.

It has born fruits because right now we talk about everything and he tells me what’s on his mind. When he does something wrong I offer my unsolicited advice and correction and he gladly returns the favour every so often. We, however, don’t bring it up again once it has been dealt with. We offer our apologies and it ends there.

This has brought quite a lot of harmony in our home because we live in the present and not the past. We try to be great company to each other and when I feel I may snap I try to keep away or at least keep my cool. He’ll probably ask me why I look sad and I’ll probably tell him ‘it’s nothing I’ll be fine’ and a short while later I sure will be fine.

Motherhood brings with it a certain kind of grace that allows you to deal with and overlook all the minor mishaps and wrongs and leads you to focus on the greater good. This is so refreshing especially in a world where there is so much chaos, hatred and violence. Everyone isfighting to be heard, seen, loved and appreciated but others don’t quite get to catch a break.

What do you do with your emotions?

Look at how you handle your children, your spouse and even your colleagues. Are you always pointing out what they did wrong? Do you remind them of the coffee stain they left on your desk or your white shirt? How do they react to you afterwards? How is your relationship? What do they really think of you? Is it respect, fear or indifference that you get from them? Is it really worth it? Think about it and act accordingly.

Don’t think about what they’ve done to you because that’s water under the bridge now. The past is gone and will never come back. Even if it will be replayed there will probably be a small twist somewhere and you will be wiser, no? Two wrongs never made a right (apart from in Math and language where two negatives make a positive) so take responsibility for your side of the coin because you can’t blame someone else for your actions or reactions yet you carried them out yourself and of your own accord. Be the bigger person and take the high road.

Love is not rude

You know I am human and as much as I am born-again and Christ lives in me, I have moments when I don’t really feel like being nice. It may be out of anger, malice (very rarely) or just for the sake of it but it happens and I know I’m not alone so don’t get all judgemental on me.

You find nasty words coming out even when the other person hasn’t really taken that route themselves. Your lips are itching to dish out some more but the opportunity doesn’t present itself as often as you’d like it to. Someone finally crosses your path and you only give one statement and they wonder what side of the bed you woke up on. Now imagine if the other person takes on you as well. What chaos that would be!

Verbal accidents

Many are the times I’ve let something slip from my mouth and later on regretted saying it the way I did. It gets especially worse when my hormones start doing a funny dance and I find myself craving fries and chocolate at the same time. Not-so-nice words just find their way into my vocabulary and it gets real messy.

My son once told me that I was ‘talking to him badly’ and that’s why he wouldn’t say anything else to me. He was convinced that I didn’t love him. On one side my pride was hurt because I am the adult after all and here I was being chastised by a 4 year-old but on the other side I had a proud mommy moment because it was proof that I had done a good job of raising him! That calmed me down a bit and got me back to my senses. I looked at all the words I had used and the tone and he was right.

Losses

Rudeness doesn’t convey love at all. It doesn’t matter whether you are going through an ‘emotional phase’ or your house just burnt down. Whatever is going on in your life may indeed affect your outlook and behaviour but it shouldn’t control it. Rudeness goes ahead and flattens all resistance you may face but the result afterwards is great loss.

You will lose respect, love, friendships, relationships and even clients because of rudeness. It doesn’t take much time either. Just two seconds and it’s out of your mouth and you’ve lost that person. I had to take time to build my son’s trust again so that he would be comfortable talking to me without expecting me to lash out at him or say something rude.

Energy well spent

Practicing it on other people has helped me a lot and it’s now easier to approach people for something. Some even offer themselves and their services/assistance without me having to ask because there’s no negative vibe coming from me.

I make a conscious effort to keep my tongue in check at all times. A nasty word comes into my head and I quickly replace it with something nicer before it leaves my mouth or I simply don’t say a thing. Just smile courteously or give little indication that nasty is a possibility with me. The moment eventually passes and life goes on. It does take a lot of energy and effort though! But His grace is sufficient!

Love Doesn’t Boast

Life isn’t so straightforward (I prefer that to saying it’s hard) and you will experience a good amount of challenges on your journey. Sometimes it gets so bad that you just want it to end no matter the consequences.

This is why when the reverse happens and things go well you can’t help but give your biggest smile. Sometimes laughter comes involuntarily. At this point you realize that you can’t keep it to yourself any more and you have to tell someone. This is where the difference comes in.

You go to someone and start telling them how that promotion you’ve always wanted has finally come through and you don’t think theirs will come through because they aren’t as qualified as you. Your big car has finally arrived and you tell your friend they need to upgrade to a higher standard like yours. You’re just stating facts so what’s the big deal, right?

Well, if you’re aiming to get everyone not to like you then there’s no problem. It’s the perfect approach. If, on the other hand, you just want to share the good news so that you can celebrate with someone then you need to choose your words wisely.

It shouldn’t be about putting the other person down but getting them to be happy for you and genuinely celebrate with you.Making others feel inferior to you or your accomplishments defeats the purpose. It also reveals some not-so-nice things about you. Your confidence and feeling of self-worth may actually be pegged on those achievements or possessions and having anyone say anything negative about them or not saying anything at all would ruin your confidence so you subconsciously tell whoever cares to listen so as to get more people talking about it while at the same time shooting down any objection one may have by reminding them of their ‘shortcomings’ compared to you. It is wrong on so many levels and is quite counterproductive.

I’ve had quite a number of achievements of my own and I know more are coming (somebody shout Amen!) but rubbing it into someone’s face isn’t the way to celebrate them. My son loves computer games and he’s quite good at cracking them. He’s had to teach me most of them so that we can play together. If I do win a round I can’t tell him how bad he is at it so he should quit. I rarely even talk about the winning but encourage him to play better every day.

I don’t call my sisters or friends to boast about something I’ve done. I let them in on the news and somehow they notice that it’s celebration and not bragging. They do the same with their own news as well and we celebrate each other without putting the other down. How you put the message across matters a lot andmakes all the difference.

If you truly love someone you want them to be happy for you when something good happens to you but you should also remember that the (said or unsaid) message behind your news will affect their response toward you. Making them feel bad about themselves doesn’t cut it with love. Choose your words wisely and you will definitely get a genuine good response and you get to keep your friends in the process.