Not Leaning on My Own Understanding

As a child you were taught how to get things done. Parents (especially mothers) got excited every time their child learnt to talk, walk and even run. Next came making logic of simple instructions and after that the home was basically left in your care and it was somehow expected to run smoothly as though those that originally carried out this task never left.

I remember as we were growing up my mum was constantly busy. She ran a clearing company so weekdays (and Saturdays) were spent at the office, port or customs offices. We, the younger kids, went to work with her on Saturdays and it was fun for us. She was also a farmer and did some community work (I have no idea when she did this though!). Her hands were full!

When the holidays came we would stay home with my older siblings and as we grew up we started our own contribution to running the home. One would do the dishes; another mop the house and another do the cooking. Thankfully everyone in my family is a good cook (mum made sure!) and my older siblings did more of it.

Using my discretion

It took a while before we started cooking full meals though. I remember doing the rice and my small sister would do the stew, chapatti and she would do the stew (my first chappatis were like the depiction of bread in the Last Supper…or rather, how the Jesus movies depicted it-hard and brittle) and such. I remember asking my mum whether the salt was enough in the food as I cooked and she would say, ‘use your discretion’. She would then give her comments after the meal. This happened very often until I gained confidence in my culinary skills. I still mess up once in a while but I still like my cooking (and so do a couple of other people!)

Gaining confidence in this one area gave me courage to look into other areas of my life and I’ve continued to improve them over the years. It takes a lot of practice but you get there. So now I believe in what I can do and I trust my instincts.

But in life there are those moments when you just don’t know what to do. You don’t know which direction to take and asking another human may not exactly work because everyone has a different opinion about things.

Uncertainty

So I go to God and He tells me, ‘Lean not on your own understanding’. Hmmmm….I’ve grown up sort of leaning on my understanding and knowledge and it’s worked…well to some extent. Then He tells me to just let it all go and look at Him. I know He’s All-Knowing, All-Powerful, Ever Present, Loving, All-Sufficient and all other names we call Him but seriously? Let it all go? Then what?

I love knowing things and knowing about things, looking at everything in detail before I make a decision and letting it all go and looking at Him kind of feels like walking in the dark. It feels like groping at what is ahead with your eyes closed. It’s not a great feeling! It makes me feel rather powerless. We all like to be in control, no?

Yet it feels like I somehow have direction. Even though I may not know what I’ll come up against along this road, I know it’s leading me to a good place. A place I’ll be able to stand and look back and say, ‘You truly were ordering my steps because I never once stumbled even as I walked in the dark’.