Love Always Protects, Always Trusts, Always Hopes, Always Perseveres

So Valentine’s Day came and went! I was so beat that day I couldn’t even have handled a date. But I don’t remember the last time I went for a date on Valentine’s Day so we’re good, right? I’m sticking to that story! I hope you enjoyed it though! Now, today’s post.

 I’m the ferocious kind of mother, you know, like a lion protecting her cub or better yet, a hen protecting her chicks (we had a fierce hen when we were growing up so this is a very good example for me. She fought crows this hen!). Nobody touches my son and I remain silent. Nobody makes choices for my son that I don’t approve or approve of.

That reminds me of a conversation I had with my mum and sisters when I was home for New Year’s celebrations. My mum’s been asking me to get my son circumcised since he was a toddler (or was it at birth?) and a few weeks before that conversation my dad had revived that issue in my absence. And once again I reiterated my position on this subject (which is obvious considering we were having that conversation for the twentieth time or so). At least I had the support of one of my sisters (you rock Aunty Thelma!) but all the others were on mum’s team. I don’t hold it against anyone though because we have differing ideas and ideologies on many things and I’ve made peace with that.

There are times when people have tried to harm my son (and sometimes it was perceived but you can never be too careful, no?) and they saw me in a different light. Let’s just say, many people know not to mess with that little boy. And he knows I’m there to protect him so if anyone crosses his path he won’t hesitate to come to me. He also knows I'll spank the black off of him if he is the one on the wrong. Just saying!

Unconditional

My relationship with Christ has been an interesting one over the years. I’ve been in trouble so many times for my choices and decisions but He still stuck by me. I got pregnant out of wedlock but he gave me a smooth pregnancy and safe delivery and a handsome healthy baby. He stopped a matatu just in time to prevent a head-on collision with a motorbike I was on (the bumpers almost touched). He kept me safe on roads about which you would hear gory incidents almost every day.

I’ve made many mistakes but He still continues to lift me higher, to increase me, to answer my prayers, to love me. I’m very sure that anyone who wants to cause drama or chaos in my life really has it rough because my God fights for me. Sometimes I don’t even know what’s going on until much later. It doesn’t matter what I’ve done or not done because it’s all hinged on His love for me, not my actions.

Love inspires love

That doesn’t mean I keep messing up intentionally. I try to live right and make my God proud, just like my son tries to do things right to make me smile and compliment and appreciate him and his efforts. You see, the fact that I know God will keep loving, trusting and protecting me and that His love will not waver even when I’m being stupid gives me more zeal to love Him more. Same happens with human relationships.

When you know that someone will love you through the chaos of your life you love that person even more. That maintains the supply of love to each person in that relationship. When you choose to love someone (love is indeed a choice), love them knowing that they will fail you sometimes, they will annoy you, they will hurt you. But your love for them will stir up something in them that wants to reciprocate how you make them feel. And then that changes a person and gradually transforms them into a better soul. I’m proof of that.

Love fiercely, always protecting, trusting, persevering and hoping for the best. Don’t let the negativity and chaos blind you to the treasure that lies in the other person.       

Going Against the Grain

People have expectations of us. That’s just something we can’t run away from. If it’s not your mum it’s your dad, your brother, your sister, your children, your spouse, your friends, your employer or even your enemies! Granted, all expectations come about due to different reasons but they all seem to want something for you.  

More often than not you don’t really want to live up to these expectations. You probably have your own expectations for yourself and they are probably very different from what everyone thinks they are. In this age where everything is hinged on education certificates with big names and careers to go with them many people get lost in the madness and very few realize it because, well, isn’t everyone going back to school?

Have you ever woken up one day and felt like you are in the wrong place? Like, what am I doing here? And you can’t really answer this one question that will justify why you do what you do. That’s a scary thing to realize considering you spend half of your day doing that which you don’t know.

The thought of leaving or quitting is absolutely terrifying and the thought of staying, draining to say the least. You’ll think about what everyone else will say or think (yet surprisingly these very people don’t spend your dreary days and tired nights with you) and you don’t want to go through the agony of dealing with their questions. That’s mainly because you’re afraid that your answers won’t be satisfactory to them. But whose satisfaction should we be looking at here?

Wishes and dreams

I wish I could stay home and raise my kids, I wish I could go back to school and get a PhD, I wish I could quit my high-flying job to be a farmer, I wish I could raise my kids and keep my high-flying job, I wish I could just sing for a living, I wish I could be a hand model, I wish I could tell a story with my photography, I wish I could be a father… why not?

I believe that the fact that this thought more than crossed your mind counts for something. It didn’t stop at being a thought though. With time it’s become a nagging feeling that you can’t wish away anymore. It shakes your core but your response is to brush it off. Why do we do that? Stop ourselves from getting where we would like to be?

Sometimes the dream (yes, it’s a dream until you wake up and do something about it) may seem so farfetched that you wonder whether it is truly possible. For me, this is where my God comes in. It’s been said that if your dream is something you can easily achieve with your own effort or strength then it’s not really big enough. So if you’re going to dream, DREAM BIG.

Divine sustenance 

Going against what is expected of you isn’t easy at all. It is a sure recipe to lose fans along the way. It is a painful process that will sometimes have you doubting whether you truly made the right choice, heard the right voice. But when the satisfaction comes in, going to bed with a feeling of real accomplishment, you know deep down in your heart that you made the right move.

God doesn’t take you somewhere He can’t sustain you. In fact, He does this crazy thing where on paper you look like you should be falling apart but when we look at you it looks like you have a lot going for you. Call it whatever you want but I call it grace.

I’m not using religion to hide behind all the decisions I’ve made along the way because some of them were horrible. I’m just telling you what I’ve seen happening in my own life and others close to me. That going after your dream, doing what you feel is right may not be easy but is well worth it in the end. That the steps of the righteous are ordered by God and everything works for good to those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. Someone somewhere said being different, going against the grain of society, is the greatest thing in the world. Dare to be great this year!  

New Beginnings: What Christmas now means to me

So the holiday season ended and so has Njaanworry. Many people saw it as the time to meet up and make merry with loved ones. For many, Christmas is synonymous with lots and lots of food and getting to see all the people you haven’t seen in a long time for whatever reason. In many homes, Christmas is not Christmas if there is no pomp and colour. 

For a long time I was in that group and I couldn’t imagine not having a feast during Christmas. But that’s just what many of us saw as we grew up. It wasn’t really about the little boy that was born but what we would do for ourselves during that time.

Last year I happened to have quite a different Christmas. I had cut my right middle finger about two weeks before Christmas and it was a really deep cut. I could only type with a few fingers on the computer but even that was painful. No touching water for prolonged periods and no looking at the cut for too long because God knows it felt more painful when I did.

It took its sweet time to heal considering all the damage that had been done and I couldn’t speed it up if I wanted to. At one point I thought it was getting worse because it looked really bad and I couldn’t curl my fingers into a fist or stretch them.

After a week, I noticed that it was drying up and the skin looked different. Initially I thought that it would pull together to close up the cut but it didn’t. Now that I think about it, that expectation might have been a little silly but hey, who’s judging? New skin started growing from inside and I noticed that the skin that was cut and bruised was now dead. I couldn’t feel anything when I scratched it and I started worrying. What if my finger is dying? What if it remains open like this forever? What if I never get to fold my fingers again?

The open area dried up completely after a while and I took that chance to catch up on a little cleaning. The dead skin started peeling off and it wasn’t painful at all. I just noticed that my skin was now developing new grooves, you know, like on a fingerprint. All the lines have fallen in place and you may be forgiven for not believing that they had been completely non-existent a few days ago. My finger got a fresh start. No dead skin was used. Every piece of skin I’d been afraid to lose was replaced in full.  

Then a very good friend of mine wrote something that struck me. He wrote ‘The thing about Christmas is that it almost doesn’t matter what mood you’re in or what kind of a year you’ve had. It’s a fresh start ’. It gave me this great reminder and I just couldn’t contain myself! I was so happy and excited that the birth of Christ signified a new beginning in my life. I had it pretty rough in 2015 and I honestly really needed to catch a break. I started praying that I would indeed experience newness, start afresh.

Since I made that prayer (about 5 weeks ago now) I’ve seen that happening. It’s happened in so many ways and some I can’t quite explain. My prayer partner has seen this too and it has truly been a time of renewal for both of us. I’ve seen divine connections for different things I’ve been praying for (spiritual, physical, emotional and others that I can’t talk about yet) and it is awesome.

Christmas has a new meaning for me and it will continue to be. This will be my prayer every Christmas, that as I commemorate the birth of Jesus Christ I would be born anew too. That I would experience a rebirth in every aspect and that I would grow and improve through the year of course until next Christmas. And as this year begins, may your life be new as well. Only the cycle of growth and improvement will take place every year and not constantly coming back to the same level. From glory to glory! To a year of growth!        

Effective Parenting: Start by Showing Up

Many believe that being a parent requires you to always give out money, provide the best education, living conditions, and healthcare and buy lots and lots of gifts for your children. None of this is wrong actually. Children need to eat, have a roof over their heads and stay in good health to be able to go about their daily activities.

There is one important thing that many of us overlook though. This is the gift of presence. This is basically just showing up and being there. You’re probably thinking, ‘but we live in the same house and I come home every day’. Well, that doesn’t count.

Being there means being a part of what is going on in your child’s life. The good, the bad, the ups and downs without being judgemental. For a baby it could mean taking time to play peek-a-boo, holding them, rubbing their belly, crawling on the floor with them and feeding them with your full concentration on them. A toddler will probably appreciate it if you play with them, have a conversation with them or take them for a walk. Your preteen or teenager may want you to attend events they are participating in like sports, recitals, listen to them when they talk about their teen issues and support their various interests.

From experience

My mum is a very hardworking woman. She turns 61 in a few weeks but she is so busy you would think she is still in her 20s. No, seriously, all the development work she is involved in right now, plus farming and the constant travelling makes the rest of us look very lazy.

We are six children and all of us were in different phases of life growing up due to the age difference. Two were in college, two in high school and two in primary school. She stretched herself thin trying to make sure she worked, paid bills and visited everyone wherever they were. Whenever you came back home from a long school term she would make your favourite meal. I remember we always had homemade fries and sausages at least once a month and all of us had huge appetites!

When I was in high school we had visiting days. My mum would come all the way from Coast to Kikuyu town just to visit me. She didn’t always come with bags of shopping but she came when she could. I remember even if she was broke she would bring me my favourite items; the Saturday newspaper and a pack of muffins. I still love muffins to this day and so does she!

I remember this one time she couldn’t come because she was sick and broke. Oh my, that was devastating. Not because I wouldn’t have my muffins but because I wouldn’t see my mum. Her being there made all the difference. She came to see and talk to my teachers, she kept track of my grades, she appreciated my love for the arts even though I was also great in sciences and she remained my friend (and disciplinarian) even when I wasn’t so nice.

It continues

My mum still listens to me and my point of view. She still shows up. She came all the way just in time for me to deliver my son and she was in hospital the whole day as I screamed and cried through my contractions. I remember drawing the curtains because I was mad at her for coming late to hospital! She (not me) was the first person to hold my baby after he was all cleaned up. She came every three months to check on us, she came for my baptism a year or so later, she taught my son and me how to create and stick to a baby’s schedule and she is planning to come for my son’s graduation later this year. She actually keeps asking about it and knowing my mum, she wouldn’t miss it for the world!

The thing about being there is that children know you are on their side without you having to say anything. They know that when you don't show up it has to be something serious because you wouldn't miss it otherwise. They listen to you more because they already know that you have their best interests at heart.   

I might not be doing so well as a parent but I’m trying to give it my all. Between school, work and my other activities, I’m trying to listen to and have conversations with my son more often. I don’t play with him as much as I should though. He’s acting in the school play this year and he asked me to help him rehearse so we’ve been doing that every weekend.

It takes much more energy to be there but as someone once said, the largest room on earth is the room for improvement so I’ll keep at it. Unfortunately, my opinion on how much I’m present doesn’t really count. My son and all the other children I get (a girl can dream, no?) are the only ones who will be able to assess my being there. Fingers crossed!        

Not Leaning on My Own Understanding

As a child you were taught how to get things done. Parents (especially mothers) got excited every time their child learnt to talk, walk and even run. Next came making logic of simple instructions and after that the home was basically left in your care and it was somehow expected to run smoothly as though those that originally carried out this task never left.

I remember as we were growing up my mum was constantly busy. She ran a clearing company so weekdays (and Saturdays) were spent at the office, port or customs offices. We, the younger kids, went to work with her on Saturdays and it was fun for us. She was also a farmer and did some community work (I have no idea when she did this though!). Her hands were full!

When the holidays came we would stay home with my older siblings and as we grew up we started our own contribution to running the home. One would do the dishes; another mop the house and another do the cooking. Thankfully everyone in my family is a good cook (mum made sure!) and my older siblings did more of it.

Using my discretion

It took a while before we started cooking full meals though. I remember doing the rice and my small sister would do the stew, chapatti and she would do the stew (my first chappatis were like the depiction of bread in the Last Supper…or rather, how the Jesus movies depicted it-hard and brittle) and such. I remember asking my mum whether the salt was enough in the food as I cooked and she would say, ‘use your discretion’. She would then give her comments after the meal. This happened very often until I gained confidence in my culinary skills. I still mess up once in a while but I still like my cooking (and so do a couple of other people!)

Gaining confidence in this one area gave me courage to look into other areas of my life and I’ve continued to improve them over the years. It takes a lot of practice but you get there. So now I believe in what I can do and I trust my instincts.

But in life there are those moments when you just don’t know what to do. You don’t know which direction to take and asking another human may not exactly work because everyone has a different opinion about things.

Uncertainty

So I go to God and He tells me, ‘Lean not on your own understanding’. Hmmmm….I’ve grown up sort of leaning on my understanding and knowledge and it’s worked…well to some extent. Then He tells me to just let it all go and look at Him. I know He’s All-Knowing, All-Powerful, Ever Present, Loving, All-Sufficient and all other names we call Him but seriously? Let it all go? Then what?

I love knowing things and knowing about things, looking at everything in detail before I make a decision and letting it all go and looking at Him kind of feels like walking in the dark. It feels like groping at what is ahead with your eyes closed. It’s not a great feeling! It makes me feel rather powerless. We all like to be in control, no?

Yet it feels like I somehow have direction. Even though I may not know what I’ll come up against along this road, I know it’s leading me to a good place. A place I’ll be able to stand and look back and say, ‘You truly were ordering my steps because I never once stumbled even as I walked in the dark’.