Effective Parenting: Start by Showing Up

Many believe that being a parent requires you to always give out money, provide the best education, living conditions, and healthcare and buy lots and lots of gifts for your children. None of this is wrong actually. Children need to eat, have a roof over their heads and stay in good health to be able to go about their daily activities.

There is one important thing that many of us overlook though. This is the gift of presence. This is basically just showing up and being there. You’re probably thinking, ‘but we live in the same house and I come home every day’. Well, that doesn’t count.

Being there means being a part of what is going on in your child’s life. The good, the bad, the ups and downs without being judgemental. For a baby it could mean taking time to play peek-a-boo, holding them, rubbing their belly, crawling on the floor with them and feeding them with your full concentration on them. A toddler will probably appreciate it if you play with them, have a conversation with them or take them for a walk. Your preteen or teenager may want you to attend events they are participating in like sports, recitals, listen to them when they talk about their teen issues and support their various interests.

From experience

My mum is a very hardworking woman. She turns 61 in a few weeks but she is so busy you would think she is still in her 20s. No, seriously, all the development work she is involved in right now, plus farming and the constant travelling makes the rest of us look very lazy.

We are six children and all of us were in different phases of life growing up due to the age difference. Two were in college, two in high school and two in primary school. She stretched herself thin trying to make sure she worked, paid bills and visited everyone wherever they were. Whenever you came back home from a long school term she would make your favourite meal. I remember we always had homemade fries and sausages at least once a month and all of us had huge appetites!

When I was in high school we had visiting days. My mum would come all the way from Coast to Kikuyu town just to visit me. She didn’t always come with bags of shopping but she came when she could. I remember even if she was broke she would bring me my favourite items; the Saturday newspaper and a pack of muffins. I still love muffins to this day and so does she!

I remember this one time she couldn’t come because she was sick and broke. Oh my, that was devastating. Not because I wouldn’t have my muffins but because I wouldn’t see my mum. Her being there made all the difference. She came to see and talk to my teachers, she kept track of my grades, she appreciated my love for the arts even though I was also great in sciences and she remained my friend (and disciplinarian) even when I wasn’t so nice.

It continues

My mum still listens to me and my point of view. She still shows up. She came all the way just in time for me to deliver my son and she was in hospital the whole day as I screamed and cried through my contractions. I remember drawing the curtains because I was mad at her for coming late to hospital! She (not me) was the first person to hold my baby after he was all cleaned up. She came every three months to check on us, she came for my baptism a year or so later, she taught my son and me how to create and stick to a baby’s schedule and she is planning to come for my son’s graduation later this year. She actually keeps asking about it and knowing my mum, she wouldn’t miss it for the world!

The thing about being there is that children know you are on their side without you having to say anything. They know that when you don't show up it has to be something serious because you wouldn't miss it otherwise. They listen to you more because they already know that you have their best interests at heart.   

I might not be doing so well as a parent but I’m trying to give it my all. Between school, work and my other activities, I’m trying to listen to and have conversations with my son more often. I don’t play with him as much as I should though. He’s acting in the school play this year and he asked me to help him rehearse so we’ve been doing that every weekend.

It takes much more energy to be there but as someone once said, the largest room on earth is the room for improvement so I’ll keep at it. Unfortunately, my opinion on how much I’m present doesn’t really count. My son and all the other children I get (a girl can dream, no?) are the only ones who will be able to assess my being there. Fingers crossed!