Love...and the conundrums it brings

Sometimes you love someone so much you want to hold onto them forever. But when holding on is detrimental to that person, what then do you do? You're holding on because you love them and can't live without them. Or is it that you don't know how to live without them? What's life without them, after all?

But then letting go will have them thrive and you realize you're being selfish by holding on to them. That without you they just might develop the wings they need to fly and glide through life's challenges as they come. While you might not be okay without them, they will be more than okay without you. And it's not personal. It's just how it is.

So you slowly let go, because you love them. Talk about a paradox! 

I love you bombom.

To the little man who has been a gift in ways he will never know💓

How I Became a Single Mum

I wrote this piece very many months ago but I haven't had the..eeerrm...courage....to post it. I say courage because I'm not sure what else would keep me from saying this on this platform yet I've told it to a few close friends. Okay, whatever it was, let's assume I've conquered it.
Here is my short story.....

Single-parent families are becoming increasingly common these days. It’s a little alarming and I say that as a single parent myself. Alarming because that’s really not the divine order of things and there is always a teeny weeny difference between those children raised by single parents and those who had both parents present and loving them.

There are families who have both parents alive but one is an absentee parent and those, in my books, are single-parent families. Many people don’t really understand the meaning and implications of parenthood. Putting yourself first ceases (ideally) when you become a parent. It really is quite a costly affair (and it’s more than just money) because you will have to let go of things that were important to you if you want your children to grow up right. Quit cursing, watching violent movies, eating foods that give you gas if you’re breastfeeding because the baby will get bloated and uncomfortable too, start watching cartoons with the kids, appreciating the fun that is playing in mud and many many more things. But I digress.

Where it began

There’s a story behind every family and how it became how it is. My story isn’t a cliché of what happens to most young girls (at least at that time). But it is becoming increasingly common these days. I started my first job when I was a little over 18. I remember not having an official pay slip because I didn’t have a national ID. It truly was a lot of fun and quite the eye-opener while it lasted. Great workmates, great experiences and opportunities.

My time lapsed and soon after I fell in love. It was crazy! I was ready to ‘settle down’. No, I was ready to get married to this guy. Settling down, I’m not so sure. Like other young people I hadn’t weighed the situation accordingly and didn’t know what I would walk into.

Thankfully, I started seeing things I didn’t like and would not put up with while we were still talking about marriage. My priorities and his were worlds apart and I suddenly couldn’t see us having a future together. Of course I’d been told by my mother but I brushed her off and argued that she was being biased. I finally saw it myself and started planning my exit from the relationship.

Of the conscience

A month later I’m visiting my best friend a thousand miles away and then I puke my guts out early evening. We joke about pregnancy then she takes me for the test a week or so later. Bam! I’m pregnant. She was more shocked than I was! Haha! Or maybe I was just in extreme shock because I usually just freeze and go blank when in shock. This is how it went down after that.

I considered abortion for a while but I couldn’t go through with it. My conscience wouldn’t let me and I kept asking myself how two wrongs would make a right (the first wrong was premarital sex – I’m a Christian, you see). My mum gave me the option to go to school while pregnant or stay home and give birth then go to school. My baby daddy asked me to move in with him. I chose school because it was a major priority for me so when the time came I gladly enrolled even though I was about six months pregnant. The rest is history, as they say.

Like every other single mum who has accepted their situation and moved on to actually live life, I wear this badge with honour. I wouldn’t trade motherhood for the world and it has definitely made me a better person. Marriage proposals have come and gone (relax, not more than 3 serious ones) and I’m still here, better than ever. No longer bitter or trying to prove a point but working towards the best of my child’s life, my own life, myself and anybody else I interact with. I’m at peace.

Rules for Dating a Single Mum

Single mothers are special creatures. As cliché as it is, they take on motherhood and fatherhood and many times without batting an eyelid. There’s rarely any break in a single mother’s life because she is working to put food on the table and school fees in the account (assuming she’s a sensible woman) and when she isn’t doing that she is cooking said food or helping out with homework.

A single mother is a tough woman mindless of the generation she falls in because she faces pretty much the same evils. She will have to contend with snide comments from those she does and doesn’t know (and of late, from people who have such a skewed opinion and so much bile towards single mothers. Somebody give those guys a hug please), she will have to put in double the work, she can easily forget who she is as an individual and focus on being Mama so-and-so (because she lives for her child and probably wants to prove to all the naysayers that she can make something great of herself) and she will definitely lose friends along the way. She won’t lose friends because she wants to or doesn’t like them anymore but because it becomes a little difficult to be the friend she used to be when she wasn’t a sole parent or at least sole caretaker.

Time flies and that innate need for companionship comes knocking and you are certain you are ready for a relationship. Let’s not even get to the marriage part yet. Just a relationship. Now, many men flee when they find out she is a single mum. For those who decide to take a chance and date a single mum, there are a few things you should know. Consider this a ‘mwakenya’ (why was it called this seriously? Kwani Kenyans are this much into shortcuts?) because I’m a paid-up member of the single mums club! 

Don't judge

You don't know how she became a single mum. Being judgmental won't get you anywhere with her so don't do it. And don't assume she comes with baby daddy drama because some ended it completely and some baby daddies died.

Be confident

This woman has been through a lot and has probably fought her way to where she is. She is confident in herself and her abilities. You need confidence to talk to her, have a conversation with her and even walk around with her. A confident man gets her attention, is sexy and won't be cowed by who she is.   

Show focus

She has many things planned out and the last thing on her mind is partying (although sometimes she wants to so bad). Show her that you know what you want and where you’re going even if you haven’t figured out the how yet. On her list is school fees, school trips, education policy, other investments, career growth and maybe even a business. What’s on yours?

Maintain focus

Getting derailed from your dreams along the way or giving up on them gives her the idea that you don’t stick through the tough times. Who wants a man who’ll throw in the towel when things aren’t going their way? She needs someone who will make plans and see them through to the end, bitter or sweet.

  

Remember that her baby comes first

This is a tricky one for many because they feel sidelined. What most men don’t realize is that the child comes even before her. It’s been the two of them for a while so you will have to forgive them for getting used to life on their own.

Give it time and earn their trust. Let them let you in as opposed to forcing your way in. You’ll have a much bigger space when she slowly makes adjustments and learns to accommodate both of you instead of you whining about how she doesn’t give you enough time.

When she does allow you into her child’s life, get to know the child. You’re making good progress there so spend time with them. Be their friend. Getting along with her child propels you to another level. 

 

Be honest

Honesty is the best policy. Don’t cook up stories about why you can’t meet up, don’t lie to her about your whereabouts, and don’t lie to her about who you are. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not and let her know when she’s acting a little too much like your mum and not your girlfriend. The world is already full of liars.

Don’t be stingy

I don’t mean pay her rent and electricity bills or her kid’s school fees or buy diapers (but if you feel led to do so, give it your best). I mean don’t be stingy. If you invite her on a date, pay for it. If you want her to go somewhere with you, pay her fare. If you are out having a meal, a tip to the waiter wouldn’t hurt. Your comments about money and spending are being heard and dissected.

Show some respect

A good number of men have a tendency to be disrespectful to single mothers. It baffles me because this same woman has proven to be as responsible as the next person, maybe even more than those criticizing her!

Respect is earned and hasn’t she earned it from you by now?

Get her pants off your mind

It may be human nature but if you want to get anywhere with her don’t reach for her pants within a short time of knowing her. She’s a single mum so someone probably tried that already. This is the fastest way to get rid of her.

Make her laugh

She has tons of things on her mind that she probably won’t tell you about. At least not yet anyway. Understand what makes her tick and make her laugh. Give her those serious belly laughs that might even get her to shed tears or snort. Trust me, she needs it. 

Love her for her

She’s got flaws and has made mistakes that come to haunt her once in a while. Look at what these things have turned her into and love her all the same. As strong as she is, she needs reassurance that she made the right choice being a single mum and that she’s doing a good job of it. That with all the turmoil she’s been through, she’s still loveable.

This is by no means an exhaustive list because women are different but these will stand you in good stead with her. Dating a single mum isn’t for the faint-hearted. All the best fellas!

Love Always Protects, Always Trusts, Always Hopes, Always Perseveres

So Valentine’s Day came and went! I was so beat that day I couldn’t even have handled a date. But I don’t remember the last time I went for a date on Valentine’s Day so we’re good, right? I’m sticking to that story! I hope you enjoyed it though! Now, today’s post.

 I’m the ferocious kind of mother, you know, like a lion protecting her cub or better yet, a hen protecting her chicks (we had a fierce hen when we were growing up so this is a very good example for me. She fought crows this hen!). Nobody touches my son and I remain silent. Nobody makes choices for my son that I don’t approve or approve of.

That reminds me of a conversation I had with my mum and sisters when I was home for New Year’s celebrations. My mum’s been asking me to get my son circumcised since he was a toddler (or was it at birth?) and a few weeks before that conversation my dad had revived that issue in my absence. And once again I reiterated my position on this subject (which is obvious considering we were having that conversation for the twentieth time or so). At least I had the support of one of my sisters (you rock Aunty Thelma!) but all the others were on mum’s team. I don’t hold it against anyone though because we have differing ideas and ideologies on many things and I’ve made peace with that.

There are times when people have tried to harm my son (and sometimes it was perceived but you can never be too careful, no?) and they saw me in a different light. Let’s just say, many people know not to mess with that little boy. And he knows I’m there to protect him so if anyone crosses his path he won’t hesitate to come to me. He also knows I'll spank the black off of him if he is the one on the wrong. Just saying!

Unconditional

My relationship with Christ has been an interesting one over the years. I’ve been in trouble so many times for my choices and decisions but He still stuck by me. I got pregnant out of wedlock but he gave me a smooth pregnancy and safe delivery and a handsome healthy baby. He stopped a matatu just in time to prevent a head-on collision with a motorbike I was on (the bumpers almost touched). He kept me safe on roads about which you would hear gory incidents almost every day.

I’ve made many mistakes but He still continues to lift me higher, to increase me, to answer my prayers, to love me. I’m very sure that anyone who wants to cause drama or chaos in my life really has it rough because my God fights for me. Sometimes I don’t even know what’s going on until much later. It doesn’t matter what I’ve done or not done because it’s all hinged on His love for me, not my actions.

Love inspires love

That doesn’t mean I keep messing up intentionally. I try to live right and make my God proud, just like my son tries to do things right to make me smile and compliment and appreciate him and his efforts. You see, the fact that I know God will keep loving, trusting and protecting me and that His love will not waver even when I’m being stupid gives me more zeal to love Him more. Same happens with human relationships.

When you know that someone will love you through the chaos of your life you love that person even more. That maintains the supply of love to each person in that relationship. When you choose to love someone (love is indeed a choice), love them knowing that they will fail you sometimes, they will annoy you, they will hurt you. But your love for them will stir up something in them that wants to reciprocate how you make them feel. And then that changes a person and gradually transforms them into a better soul. I’m proof of that.

Love fiercely, always protecting, trusting, persevering and hoping for the best. Don’t let the negativity and chaos blind you to the treasure that lies in the other person.       

Going Against the Grain

People have expectations of us. That’s just something we can’t run away from. If it’s not your mum it’s your dad, your brother, your sister, your children, your spouse, your friends, your employer or even your enemies! Granted, all expectations come about due to different reasons but they all seem to want something for you.  

More often than not you don’t really want to live up to these expectations. You probably have your own expectations for yourself and they are probably very different from what everyone thinks they are. In this age where everything is hinged on education certificates with big names and careers to go with them many people get lost in the madness and very few realize it because, well, isn’t everyone going back to school?

Have you ever woken up one day and felt like you are in the wrong place? Like, what am I doing here? And you can’t really answer this one question that will justify why you do what you do. That’s a scary thing to realize considering you spend half of your day doing that which you don’t know.

The thought of leaving or quitting is absolutely terrifying and the thought of staying, draining to say the least. You’ll think about what everyone else will say or think (yet surprisingly these very people don’t spend your dreary days and tired nights with you) and you don’t want to go through the agony of dealing with their questions. That’s mainly because you’re afraid that your answers won’t be satisfactory to them. But whose satisfaction should we be looking at here?

Wishes and dreams

I wish I could stay home and raise my kids, I wish I could go back to school and get a PhD, I wish I could quit my high-flying job to be a farmer, I wish I could raise my kids and keep my high-flying job, I wish I could just sing for a living, I wish I could be a hand model, I wish I could tell a story with my photography, I wish I could be a father… why not?

I believe that the fact that this thought more than crossed your mind counts for something. It didn’t stop at being a thought though. With time it’s become a nagging feeling that you can’t wish away anymore. It shakes your core but your response is to brush it off. Why do we do that? Stop ourselves from getting where we would like to be?

Sometimes the dream (yes, it’s a dream until you wake up and do something about it) may seem so farfetched that you wonder whether it is truly possible. For me, this is where my God comes in. It’s been said that if your dream is something you can easily achieve with your own effort or strength then it’s not really big enough. So if you’re going to dream, DREAM BIG.

Divine sustenance 

Going against what is expected of you isn’t easy at all. It is a sure recipe to lose fans along the way. It is a painful process that will sometimes have you doubting whether you truly made the right choice, heard the right voice. But when the satisfaction comes in, going to bed with a feeling of real accomplishment, you know deep down in your heart that you made the right move.

God doesn’t take you somewhere He can’t sustain you. In fact, He does this crazy thing where on paper you look like you should be falling apart but when we look at you it looks like you have a lot going for you. Call it whatever you want but I call it grace.

I’m not using religion to hide behind all the decisions I’ve made along the way because some of them were horrible. I’m just telling you what I’ve seen happening in my own life and others close to me. That going after your dream, doing what you feel is right may not be easy but is well worth it in the end. That the steps of the righteous are ordered by God and everything works for good to those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. Someone somewhere said being different, going against the grain of society, is the greatest thing in the world. Dare to be great this year!  

New Beginnings: What Christmas now means to me

So the holiday season ended and so has Njaanworry. Many people saw it as the time to meet up and make merry with loved ones. For many, Christmas is synonymous with lots and lots of food and getting to see all the people you haven’t seen in a long time for whatever reason. In many homes, Christmas is not Christmas if there is no pomp and colour. 

For a long time I was in that group and I couldn’t imagine not having a feast during Christmas. But that’s just what many of us saw as we grew up. It wasn’t really about the little boy that was born but what we would do for ourselves during that time.

Last year I happened to have quite a different Christmas. I had cut my right middle finger about two weeks before Christmas and it was a really deep cut. I could only type with a few fingers on the computer but even that was painful. No touching water for prolonged periods and no looking at the cut for too long because God knows it felt more painful when I did.

It took its sweet time to heal considering all the damage that had been done and I couldn’t speed it up if I wanted to. At one point I thought it was getting worse because it looked really bad and I couldn’t curl my fingers into a fist or stretch them.

After a week, I noticed that it was drying up and the skin looked different. Initially I thought that it would pull together to close up the cut but it didn’t. Now that I think about it, that expectation might have been a little silly but hey, who’s judging? New skin started growing from inside and I noticed that the skin that was cut and bruised was now dead. I couldn’t feel anything when I scratched it and I started worrying. What if my finger is dying? What if it remains open like this forever? What if I never get to fold my fingers again?

The open area dried up completely after a while and I took that chance to catch up on a little cleaning. The dead skin started peeling off and it wasn’t painful at all. I just noticed that my skin was now developing new grooves, you know, like on a fingerprint. All the lines have fallen in place and you may be forgiven for not believing that they had been completely non-existent a few days ago. My finger got a fresh start. No dead skin was used. Every piece of skin I’d been afraid to lose was replaced in full.  

Then a very good friend of mine wrote something that struck me. He wrote ‘The thing about Christmas is that it almost doesn’t matter what mood you’re in or what kind of a year you’ve had. It’s a fresh start ’. It gave me this great reminder and I just couldn’t contain myself! I was so happy and excited that the birth of Christ signified a new beginning in my life. I had it pretty rough in 2015 and I honestly really needed to catch a break. I started praying that I would indeed experience newness, start afresh.

Since I made that prayer (about 5 weeks ago now) I’ve seen that happening. It’s happened in so many ways and some I can’t quite explain. My prayer partner has seen this too and it has truly been a time of renewal for both of us. I’ve seen divine connections for different things I’ve been praying for (spiritual, physical, emotional and others that I can’t talk about yet) and it is awesome.

Christmas has a new meaning for me and it will continue to be. This will be my prayer every Christmas, that as I commemorate the birth of Jesus Christ I would be born anew too. That I would experience a rebirth in every aspect and that I would grow and improve through the year of course until next Christmas. And as this year begins, may your life be new as well. Only the cycle of growth and improvement will take place every year and not constantly coming back to the same level. From glory to glory! To a year of growth!        

Effective Parenting: Start by Showing Up

Many believe that being a parent requires you to always give out money, provide the best education, living conditions, and healthcare and buy lots and lots of gifts for your children. None of this is wrong actually. Children need to eat, have a roof over their heads and stay in good health to be able to go about their daily activities.

There is one important thing that many of us overlook though. This is the gift of presence. This is basically just showing up and being there. You’re probably thinking, ‘but we live in the same house and I come home every day’. Well, that doesn’t count.

Being there means being a part of what is going on in your child’s life. The good, the bad, the ups and downs without being judgemental. For a baby it could mean taking time to play peek-a-boo, holding them, rubbing their belly, crawling on the floor with them and feeding them with your full concentration on them. A toddler will probably appreciate it if you play with them, have a conversation with them or take them for a walk. Your preteen or teenager may want you to attend events they are participating in like sports, recitals, listen to them when they talk about their teen issues and support their various interests.

From experience

My mum is a very hardworking woman. She turns 61 in a few weeks but she is so busy you would think she is still in her 20s. No, seriously, all the development work she is involved in right now, plus farming and the constant travelling makes the rest of us look very lazy.

We are six children and all of us were in different phases of life growing up due to the age difference. Two were in college, two in high school and two in primary school. She stretched herself thin trying to make sure she worked, paid bills and visited everyone wherever they were. Whenever you came back home from a long school term she would make your favourite meal. I remember we always had homemade fries and sausages at least once a month and all of us had huge appetites!

When I was in high school we had visiting days. My mum would come all the way from Coast to Kikuyu town just to visit me. She didn’t always come with bags of shopping but she came when she could. I remember even if she was broke she would bring me my favourite items; the Saturday newspaper and a pack of muffins. I still love muffins to this day and so does she!

I remember this one time she couldn’t come because she was sick and broke. Oh my, that was devastating. Not because I wouldn’t have my muffins but because I wouldn’t see my mum. Her being there made all the difference. She came to see and talk to my teachers, she kept track of my grades, she appreciated my love for the arts even though I was also great in sciences and she remained my friend (and disciplinarian) even when I wasn’t so nice.

It continues

My mum still listens to me and my point of view. She still shows up. She came all the way just in time for me to deliver my son and she was in hospital the whole day as I screamed and cried through my contractions. I remember drawing the curtains because I was mad at her for coming late to hospital! She (not me) was the first person to hold my baby after he was all cleaned up. She came every three months to check on us, she came for my baptism a year or so later, she taught my son and me how to create and stick to a baby’s schedule and she is planning to come for my son’s graduation later this year. She actually keeps asking about it and knowing my mum, she wouldn’t miss it for the world!

The thing about being there is that children know you are on their side without you having to say anything. They know that when you don't show up it has to be something serious because you wouldn't miss it otherwise. They listen to you more because they already know that you have their best interests at heart.   

I might not be doing so well as a parent but I’m trying to give it my all. Between school, work and my other activities, I’m trying to listen to and have conversations with my son more often. I don’t play with him as much as I should though. He’s acting in the school play this year and he asked me to help him rehearse so we’ve been doing that every weekend.

It takes much more energy to be there but as someone once said, the largest room on earth is the room for improvement so I’ll keep at it. Unfortunately, my opinion on how much I’m present doesn’t really count. My son and all the other children I get (a girl can dream, no?) are the only ones who will be able to assess my being there. Fingers crossed!