Not Leaning on My Own Understanding

As a child you were taught how to get things done. Parents (especially mothers) got excited every time their child learnt to talk, walk and even run. Next came making logic of simple instructions and after that the home was basically left in your care and it was somehow expected to run smoothly as though those that originally carried out this task never left.

I remember as we were growing up my mum was constantly busy. She ran a clearing company so weekdays (and Saturdays) were spent at the office, port or customs offices. We, the younger kids, went to work with her on Saturdays and it was fun for us. She was also a farmer and did some community work (I have no idea when she did this though!). Her hands were full!

When the holidays came we would stay home with my older siblings and as we grew up we started our own contribution to running the home. One would do the dishes; another mop the house and another do the cooking. Thankfully everyone in my family is a good cook (mum made sure!) and my older siblings did more of it.

Using my discretion

It took a while before we started cooking full meals though. I remember doing the rice and my small sister would do the stew, chapatti and she would do the stew (my first chappatis were like the depiction of bread in the Last Supper…or rather, how the Jesus movies depicted it-hard and brittle) and such. I remember asking my mum whether the salt was enough in the food as I cooked and she would say, ‘use your discretion’. She would then give her comments after the meal. This happened very often until I gained confidence in my culinary skills. I still mess up once in a while but I still like my cooking (and so do a couple of other people!)

Gaining confidence in this one area gave me courage to look into other areas of my life and I’ve continued to improve them over the years. It takes a lot of practice but you get there. So now I believe in what I can do and I trust my instincts.

But in life there are those moments when you just don’t know what to do. You don’t know which direction to take and asking another human may not exactly work because everyone has a different opinion about things.

Uncertainty

So I go to God and He tells me, ‘Lean not on your own understanding’. Hmmmm….I’ve grown up sort of leaning on my understanding and knowledge and it’s worked…well to some extent. Then He tells me to just let it all go and look at Him. I know He’s All-Knowing, All-Powerful, Ever Present, Loving, All-Sufficient and all other names we call Him but seriously? Let it all go? Then what?

I love knowing things and knowing about things, looking at everything in detail before I make a decision and letting it all go and looking at Him kind of feels like walking in the dark. It feels like groping at what is ahead with your eyes closed. It’s not a great feeling! It makes me feel rather powerless. We all like to be in control, no?

Yet it feels like I somehow have direction. Even though I may not know what I’ll come up against along this road, I know it’s leading me to a good place. A place I’ll be able to stand and look back and say, ‘You truly were ordering my steps because I never once stumbled even as I walked in the dark’.    

It is not Self-Seeking

Imagine this for a moment. You work hard to make sure that you always have the best of everything. Your life is comfortable, your heart is content and nobody crosses your path because they know not to mess with you. That’s an awesome life, isn’t it? Things always go your way and according to your preference.

Now imagine if someone else always made sure that things work to your advantage. They make sure you eat what is best for you, make sure you are comfortable and nothing (or at least not too much) gets to the point where it drastically affects you. Isn’t that better? Even easier perhaps?

Difficult task

Have you noticed that the more you ‘look out for yourself’ the more difficult it becomes? That you seem to be doing a lot of work but the results at the end are not quite worth the input you gave? Just take a close look at it all and be honest with yourself as to what you find out.

It can be very difficult to trust someone else to make you happy and look out for you, especially if you’ve been disappointed (as many of us have) but that’s one of the aspects of love. You make sure that the other person in the equation is sorted. You take care of their needs first and not yours. If done wholeheartedly and willingly, the outcome is usually favourable to you.

Crazy nights

As a mother (I still haven’t gotten used to saying this even after 6 years!) I have done things that many would consider unusual. I have woken up at odd hours of the night (and many times never even went to bed!) just to make sure that my son was comfortable. Colic in the first few months of his life, some congenital condition he had a few months later, crazy fevers on other nights and on other nights he just wanted to play because he had slept too much in the afternoon.

There are times I have sacrificed my food because there was just enough to feed one. I have forgone buying myself that new pair of shoes (that I badly needed) or getting my hair done just so that I could buy him school books. It was painful at the time but later on it felt great (well, the hunger eventually subsided since I serve a God that always provides). He goes to school and is able to comfortably read as the teacher goes on and I feel great. The teacher commends him for his good work and he comes back to me all smiles saying, ‘mummy you’re the best!’ and that’s enough payback!

Favours returned and more

He makes sure there’s two plates on the table when we’re about to eat. Whenever we buy anything he asks whether I’ve bought enough for both of us. If not, he’ll share. Sometimes he just wants to eat alone but well, don’t we all have such moments? He makes sure my toothbrush has toothpaste when he’s going to brush his teeth and reminds me (even though I may not need it) to brush my teeth every morning.

If anyone jokes about taking his mum away he lets them know that she isn’t going anywhere and neither is he. He is really young but very loyal this boy! I don’t always give him what he wants (or even needs) but the little I do goes a long way and I feel the love.

Now imagine if that was an adult responding to the genuine love, care and selflessness you have shown them. How much more would it be? Humans are wired to respond to such and even the toughest will respond to genuine selflessness. Do it without expecting anything in return but be assured that the returns will indeed be worth it.